Green Jello

It's Beginning to look like I'm going shit house

 

Let's review my holiday responsibilities:

I'm supposed to cook for 12 people next week when I don't like to cook, decorate, bake festive cookies, come up with 30 advent gifts that are cheap but not made with lead paint, buy and wrap presents for these people, act excited when I receive a tin of stale popcorn as a gift, finish 40 hours of cpe in the next 2 weeks for work, make cards and photo calendars, hide a tattletale elf around the house every night for 30 days, create a memorable holiday moment with thousands of other angst-ridden people, make 2 hams for Christmas when I hate ham, go to holiday parties with coworkers and pretend we like each other...oh, and prance around the house in a sexy Santa suit with jingle bells on my ass.

 

Yes, I could say no to many of these things, but then it wouldn't feel like Christmas.

o.k. I read this again & it sounds awful, especially when many people have no one to cook for or money to buy food. This is about our & others expectations of the holidays - it's too much. I will try to simplify, but I know I won't.

Paper Makes me Happy & a little Complaining

 

I know I'm talking to myself here, but I deserve it. No one reads a blog when there is nothing to read. Now I will complain; I don't know why, but it seems more difficult now with the kids (age 7 & 5) than when they were babies. I thought it gets easier? The house is a constant stream of talking, demanding, & destroying. I know I should relax and enjoy this time with them, but some days I want to run from the house screaming. Oh, and here come the holidays, which means less time & more cooking & shopping. I do try to make it as simple as possible, but the reality is there are demands from school and family that make it not so simple. If I had time, I would do some paper crafting, so I wanted to share these:

The Black Apple's Paper Doll Primer:

 

Fantastic Toys Gingerbread playset

 

Japanese paper cutting:

 

Want to Hear me Complain?

 

I'll pay you with a cute dog picture.

Still here, thanks. First, my garbage really smells and I can smell it sitting here in another room...let me fix that...o.k. better. Mother's Day was the same as every other day, which is fine. FINE! In all fairness, my husband pinched something in his back and he hasn't felt good,and the whole no job or money thing has put a funk in our moods. Still, I just wanted some time off to work on the quilt or take a bath, no money needed. I would love to tell you stories of fluffy pancakes in bed and laughing faces, but that's not what happened. A lot of pouting and slamming of dishes. So, I googled, "I got nothing for Mother's Day." and someone posted something on Yahoo answers. I thought, who puts stuff like that on the Internet? Um. Anyway, someone responded about being grateful your children aren't in the hospital or your Mom isn't dead. I don't think that comment made the poster feel better. So why am I writing this here? I don't know. I have nothing else to say and that's what makes blogging difficult. How do you write something when you feel rather cranky? Do you want to hear this? Be honest, because it exhausts me.

We are in another transition phase, this is the last week of school and I feel sad about it. I know we won't see most of the kids and parents we have become friends with because they will go to different schools next year. I will miss the routine. It's been nice having the boys in the same school this year and I know it will be lonely for them in the Fall. I'm listing complaints now; none of my pictures are turning out, which is either me or my camera (probably me). I'm scared of the unknown - where or when my husband will get a job. I like things to be predictable - even if they are not the best situation because then I can work with what I know. I try to walk the dog, but she is so big now and pulls hard. She chokes herself and then quacks like a duck. I try all the positive training steps from TV, but it's not as easy as they make it look with editing and stunt dogs. It's really embarrassing, which is silly to say, but soon she will be dragging me down the sidewalk. I'm in a creative slump - trying to make some things for the Lost giveaway and they are all turning out bad. That's pretty much it, which for some reason writing it down makes me feel better. Thank you for listening.

bleh

Today my husband lost his job and we joined the 6 million people who have been laid-off. Good times. I suppose this should be categorized under "information not to be put on your blog," but this is my little corner to vent, and it is a form of a diary. Plus, a wealthy person could read this and adopt us. What is bothering us is the fact that the owner of this company promised this would not happen when he asked my husband to come back after the first lay-off a few years ago. No, we didn't believe he would keep his word, but some part of us did, and wanted to believe in honour and truth.

I deal with things like this with avoidance, sarcasm, and humor, but I am screaming inside. What hurt last time and will for this one is the insurance. I work part-time and fear for my own job. There isn't enough work there to increase my hours like I did the last time he was out of work. So, I cannot provide insurance and we have to pay for Cobra, which is $1,000 a month. Perhaps I could start painting Batman peg dolls and sell them for $5 a piece. I would only have to sell 335 a month to pay for our insurance or 10 a day. There is a huge demand for painted peg dolls - right? (this is the sarcasm part)

At least we can find comfort in knowing that we are not alone. We will be o.k., it's just scary and I would like to see a period of calm in my life where things are predictable, but I'm starting to believe life is not like that. Things I can do for money; beg my boss Monday to promise I have a job for at least a few months or longer, peg dolls, sell the Japanese fabric I just bought like a recession crazed fool, blog advertising - (does this work or do people actually have to read your blog?), professional fabric selector, or sell our clutter on Ebay.  Maybe this is all for the best, and because we will be stuck in the house, we will not catch Swine Flu. Hmm, positive thinking training coach! Bleh.

Giving 78.5%

 

I work a few days a week outside of the home, and I'm fortunate to have a flexible work arrangement that allows me to spend most of my time at home, and still put on pantyhose twice a week, talk to adults, and use the bathroom without someone knocking on the door. This is our busy time at work, and they asked me to help out with a few more hours, so I try to work on Saturday and bring work home, but I feel like I can't give full attention to anything. So instead of giving 100%, it's more like 78.5% (.5 for good intentions).

I used to be a good employee, but now I'm the one that can't be counted on. The one that races out the door at 5:00, so I can make dinner. The one who has to say no to extra work because I feel like I don't have an hour to spare. At home I feel the same; last week I let my kids eat Lucky Charms for dinner, I've missed school assignments, and there are days if I see something on the floor, I will kick it under the counter rather than pick it up.

I can't blame my job; even if I stayed home full-time I still would not be able to manage everything. Kids bring chaos, a good chaos, but there is a never ending pile of laundry, the house is a mess, bills are paid late, and this is a normal day when everyone is healthy and the weather is cooperating. Throw in a birthday party or the flu, and I want to sit on the floor and cry (then I can pick up the piece of food under the counter).

I know I could be more organized and use my time better. I spend a lot of time reading blogs or writing here, but I need this space. I need it for my sanity and if the dirty dish pile gets bigger because of it, so what. Trying to be a crafty mom also takes up too much time, but I like making things and pretending I am making things. I want the kids to have a childhood of at home birthday parties, and weird toys mom made.

If you are looking for a solution or words of wisdom for this problem, it's not here. I'm learning to accept the fact that if I want to do all of these things, then I have to do them half-assed, or 78.5%, which is still a passing grade. I will never be one of those moms that make this look effortless. I will always be the one in Target, with bad hair and clothes, yelling at my kids, just trying to make it through the day. I think it's o.k. to give up on perfection so you can enjoy your kids.

This morning I read this post again and I hope it doesn't sound like I feel my kids are in the way of my job. It's the other way around; I want to help them during a busy time, but I also feel like I can't spare more time. It's frustrating; I don't believe I explained this well. I don't think I can explain it, except that I want perfect days of laughter, creativity, holding hands...some days are like this, but most have crabby people in them, who have to wash the dishes or want candy. We need to stop feeling so much pressure to be perfect. This post really has nothing to do with my job, just the fact that my time is so stretched, and I don't want it to be. I could care less if I get to wear pantyhose or talk to adults; the bathroom thing is nice though. I should delete this now.

Move It

I was going to post a tutorial on Valentine boats, but my computer went insane...so you get this...

I've noticed that everywhere I go, I feel rushed. At the drive-thru at Dunkin Donuts before I turn the corner to pull up to the window, an arm is sticking out holding my coffee. I like fast service, but they have on more than one occasion not looked, and dropped my coffee on the ground, splashing it all over my car. When I pay in a store, I feel I'm not allowed to put my change back in my wallet or write in the debit amount in my checkbook because I am holding up the line. So, I end up shoving change and receipts into my purse, which is an official disaster area. One day when my Dad was walking to his office from the train, a woman came up behind him and growled, "move it!" We laughed for years over the move it lady.

Is this rushing a local phenomenon, or is it my own perception and I am rushing myself? Every year they come out with a list of the fastest paced cities, and Chicago is always in the top group. We drive fast here, school buses will pass you on the highway at 80 mph. Last year they debated ticketing people who drive the speed limit in the left lane because they are disrupting the flow of traffic. I know it can be dangerous to have a driver traveling at 70 come up on someone doing 55, but why are we in such a hurry? If I take 2 minutes to put change into my wallet, will civilization collapse? I'm going to try a little experiment this week and put my bags in the cart and my receipts away without rushing an see what happens. If you are behind me in line, please be patient. Not feeling rushed will be good for us all.

-17

 

-17 was our temperature this morning, not wind child, but the real number. With the wind chill factor, -30? I feel like the family in the movie The Shining, trapped in the lodge because of the weather..."All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" I'm not losing my mind yet, but I need a break from this weather. When school was canceled this morning, I almost cried. I know it's safer for the kids to stay home, but I really needed those two hours today.

 

The weather is supposed to get better this afternoon, it's going to be 4 and tomorrow 24! I promise, more positive thoughts next week. This weekend I will post something about the first half of The Road. Until then, we are drinking hot cocoa, with an obscene amount of marshmallows. Stay warm.